The Band's REAL History
...sort of...
Summer 1991:
Four gentlemen meet in a Wharton basement that was strangely equipped with
electric guitars, a drum set, a twelve-pack, and a slide whistle. The four gentlemen are
Guy,
Jim, Joe, and
Tony. These early pictures confirm what all of us now know: These guys redefine
"dorky".
|
At the end of the evening the entire band was killed in a bizarre ritual involving chickens, rice pilaf, a lovely Ranch dressing, and red wine...which really doesn't go with chicken. Luckily, the boys were magically resurrected and changed the name of the band to The Resurrectoids. Strangely enough, the resurrection experience left them unable to speak. Figuring that they could save money because they no longer needed a public address system, they simply changed the name of the band to The Mute Resurrectoids and soldiered on.
In
December of 1991, the band played for the first time in front of strangers. It was in
Mount Arlington, NJ at the world famous Pub 199 (at least, it will be world
famous someday, when the rest of the world hears about it...right now, it's like
county famous. Opening was 3 Martini Lunch
(who later became the Marty Beck Band). Some say that when The Mute Resurrectoids took
the stage, they were an "instant hit" -- but that's not how this reporter saw
it. I'd say they were instantly hit with
tomatoes, corn, and Pub 199's famous 'frings. It was a night they will remember
forever because it's up here on this website. This was also the night that they fired lead singer Joe, because
he could not be heard
over the rest of the band. Joe filed suit in Morris County, but the issue was
amicably settled out of court with the payment of an atomic wedgee.
The search for a new lead singer became apparent. They needed someone who could produce sound with their mouth. Some who auditioned could sing with other parts of their bodies, but the boys were adamant: They wanted a singer who sung with his mouth.
 |
Not long after that, their prayers were answered when a young man named Reebs was forced into the band through a blackmailing incident. April 4th, 1992 was Reebs' first gig with the band where they appeared under the name Nihm, Rodd, and the Nimrods. The Reebs put in a powerful performance, especially considering that the boys had attached a remotely controlled vice grip to his privates, just in case he tried to leave. For this reason, April 4th is celebrated every year with a trip to Home Depot and Radio Shack. |
The band continued to grow in strength by
drinking beer and playing showtunes and Barry Manilow covers. But, another change was
afoot (and later, two feet). By the end of 1992 the band switched gears and became a
tribute to popular Irish rock bands. They also adopted the name Yoo-Who.
Picture at right shows a rare moment: Jim's acclaimed performance as U2's guitar
player, the Edge -- but for some reason, nicknamed "The Pudge" by some
onlookers.
Before they knew it, the band changed their name again, this time to The Beloved Hassids of Shemp Tov. However, this became troublesome when bar owners thought they would refuse to work on Friday nights. The quick-thinking boys transformed themselves overnight and played a few gigs under the name We're not that Jewish.
 |
As the years passed, the boys played under various names and experimented with different styles of music. This served to get them more work, because the bar owners always thought they were a different band. |
|
In 1994, the band scored a "turkey" at Lake Lackwanna's Scoreboard Lounge by playing three consecutive nights under different names: Hairclub, Reverend Collection and the Plates, and The Woefully Hopeless Hobby Horse Cowboys. |
|
Based on the
timely popularity of ZZ Top, the boys then set
out to pay tribute to the band by reforming themselves as Unattractive, but Marginally
Talented. Although the band toured the East Coast under this name, they were not well
received.
This is when trouble began brewing. Tony the drummer, under stress from his job as an international ambassador to the Middle East, decided that he'd prefer living "as far away from you bunch of losers as is physically possible." His move to Antarctica seemed rather extreme at the time, but Tony's subsequent founding of AOL (Antarctica On-Line) made him millions.
While this was a blow to the band, a local trash collector
named Glenn came to the rescue. Despite Glenn's requests to be
"the band's chick magnet," he managed to come up with the band's current name,
Jersey's Own Hoi Polloi. It stuck. And so did Glenn,
because he hadn't yet had a shower.
A few years passed, and Glenn, now understanding that drummers can start international communications businesses, founded WTWYCTEO (short for Why Talk When You Can Text Each Other). The focus of business was the ability to send a text message to people within a 10-foot diameter of where you're standing. The business never really took off, despite several international patents on the idea (apparently, the French are still giggling over it).
Despondent over losing Glenn, the band walked into a Costco parking lot, and found a handsome young gentleman taking a shower in the back of his conversion van. That was Dewey. As luck would have it, he was a part-time drummer and mailman, whose recent attempt at a start-up business went bust during the dot-com era. His idea was to establish alamodebymail.com, a website where you could choose the perfect ice cream to go with a warm slice of pie. The boys immediately saw talent in Dewey and brought him on.
So there you have it. The real history. Believe it if you dare.
