The Bass Player: Guy
NAME: Guy "All Thumbs" Fernald
INSTRUMENT: Bass
INFLUENCES: The splendor and majesty of the George Foreman grill.
FAVORITE SAYING: "Can I buy you a drink, or shall I just go **** myself?"
Guy speaks to his fan:
"I recently attended the Hayden Planetarium's presentation of Laser Mel Tormé. It was awesome and finger-snappin' good time. I followed that up with a really good Ab-Flex Plus workout and some reconstructive surgery on my uvula. The readers of Funky Bass Player magazine voted me 'Whitest Bass Player' which opened the door for my celebrity guest-host spot on the Discovery Channel's Jacques Cousteau's World of the Marine Iguana."
This Randolph resident enjoys his off hours by scheduling nap times. Guy's energetic playing and amusing on-stage antics have helped Hoi Polloi to draw crowds over and over again (until they ran out of paper). Guy uses Washburn, Fender, and Rickenbacher basses and classic Ampeg amplifiers and cabinets, though he still can't figure out how to turn the darn things on.
Guy's pet monkey was stolen from
Hoboken's Cadillac Bar on the same night that Princess Diana was killed. Unfortunately, she got all the press. Recently, a new monkey has been welcomed into the fold.
Guy helped found the band in 1991. When the band formed, Guy figured he'd better learn to play an instrument. At first, Guy was pleased with the tone he got from his self-invented "recto-phone", but he found that playing it was not only physically prohibitive, but illegal in seven states. Next, he took up the sitar, but the leg cramps and an unfortunate overdose of Tandoori Chicken caused him to invest in a Dunkin' Donuts franchise. However, his questionable boston-cream-filling practices led to a harsh "you have brought shame and turmoil upon these innocent bakery products" reprimand from Dunkin's VP of Franchise Relations and Dunking Procedures. That's when Guy took up the bass guitar.
"I used to be a loner. But now that I've learned to play bass, the love and support of my band members has helped me to stay donut free for almost 48 days,
not counting Tuesdays" Guy says.
Guy's future looks bright indeed. Getting off donuts was just step one. He has a new record deal that he's very proud of. "Eight CDs for a penny?," he says proudly, "How can you go wrong?"
Guy is currently working on a bit part in Kevin Costner's upcoming multi-hundred dollar movie entitled For the love of the game, when on the field of dreams, don't step in the Bull's Durham. Look for Guy in Scene 13 where he catches a foul ball on the chin.
